Dear Coleen

I met a great guy on holiday four years ago. I was married at the time, but the marriage wasn’t good, so I started seeing this guy as a friend and, in the interim, told my husband it was over and divorce proceedings started. 

I was not intimate with this new man until everything was out in the open with my husband. We had a ­long-distance relationship at first, as I lived in one county and he another and I also waited to tell my children. 

Things are still good between us. He started to drink more and more the longer we were together and, ­inevitably, arguments began. But we always make it up.

At the beginning, like any ­relationship, the sex was often and great, but over the past year it’s every three months or so. I have now moved my children and myself nearer to him, so we can be together. 

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I made all the sacrifices while he’s made none. 

Should I just grin and bear the “no sex any more”, as I’ve raised the issue with him and he can’t offer an ­explanation for it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Coleen says

No, I don’t think you should just grin and bear it. You had certain ­expectations because you uprooted your life (and your kids’ lives) to be with him and he must have led you to believe he was on board and committed.

If his feelings have changed, then he needs to be honest with you about that.

Ask him for a straight answer, but you have to be prepared that you might not like what he has to say. But it’s still better to know how committed he is, so you can make decisions for yourself and your children.

As far as sex goes, I don’t think it’s good enough to just tell you he can’t explain why he’s not up for it.

Yes, it’s normal for things to calm down the longer you’re together – it’s true of any relationship – but if you’re not happy and feel he’s avoiding the conversation, then you mustn’t just put up with it.

It sounds as if he’s doing a lot of avoiding – retreating to the pub, for example – so you have to get to the bottom of why.

You made the brave decision to leave an unhappy marriage, so you just have to find the same courage to face these worries and try to work through them. Good luck.